


Looks Like I'm A Disappointment

by onlyatitagain



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bruce Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky needs a hug, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve is trying to be a good boyfriend, Stucky - Freeform, also, lots of feels, not really sure where it takes place, soldier bois, stucky feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 13:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12190650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyatitagain/pseuds/onlyatitagain
Summary: He didn't need people to need him, he needed people to see he was valuable just the slightest bit, then he'd be satisfied. It wasn't as good as being wanted or needed, but he was the Winter Soldier, he was Bucky Barnes, and he wasscared of loud noises, nobody could possibly ever want or need that.





	Looks Like I'm A Disappointment

Bucky _hated_ loud noises. He hated most noise, but crashes and explosions and gunshots drove him insane. There were times where he could handle it, when he was out on a mission with the Avengers, with Steve, but by himself... he was helpless. 

And he felt terrible about it too, he wanted to help, he wanted to prove to everyone he was useful and good at work. He didn't need people to need him, he needed people to see he was valuable just the slightest bit, then he'd be satisfied. It wasn't as good as being wanted or needed, but he was the Winter Soldier, he was Bucky Barnes, and he was _scared of loud noises_ , nobody could possibly ever want or need that. 

 

The first time he started to feel himself break was while they were on a mission, he had been sent to go look through the basement of an old Hydra base while the others took different posts. He didn't know why they sent _him_ to do that specific job, perhaps it was because he knew these places, he wasn't sure. But it was silent in the basement, and Bucky relaxed while he could, taking deep breaths and holding his gun up defensively. 

He had spent a good ten minutes investigating the rooms, nothing interesting had caught his eye. Just when he was about to tell the others everything was clear, something shattered behind him and he froze. Fear and panic took over his body, and he reached with unsteady hands for his knife—he wouldn't have been able to handle the sound of gunshots. He had to fight back flashbacks that threatened to take over his thoughts, knuckles turning white from how hard he was gripping the knife in his flesh hand. 

Something moved and he immediately spun around on his heels, throwing the sharp object with such precision so it would only fly by the unknown danger, just in case it was someone from the team. The blade flew right past the figure's head before it hit the cement wall and clattered to the ground. The noise made him flinch.

"Bucky? Are you - " oh God, that was Steve.

"Steve - I'm so sorry, I thought you... I didn't know what was - oh my god, I could've hurt you," Bucky rambled on, arms flailing like it would prove his point anymore than speaking it would.

Steve cautiously stepped forward, "Buck, Bucky, it's okay. I just spooked you a little, it was my fault, I came in without warning. It was instinct, you didn't do anything wrong."

The brunette looked up at Steve with wide eyes, apologizing what felt like a thousand times. All the while, Steve was countering his arguments and pulling him in for a hug. They stayed like that for a while, Bucky continuing to absentmindedly spill his thoughts - " _Steve, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, oh God Steve,_ " and the blond held him close - " _Buck, you're okay, everything's fine I promise_ " until they were both ready to go back upstairs.

 

Later that night when they were all back up at the tower, and Steve and Bucky had retired to their floor, they collapsed into bed together with exasperated sighs. Bucky latched onto Steve like a leech, his arms wrapping around his thin torso and legs tangling with each other's. It felt good to finally be back home where they could rest together, especially after what had taken place in the basement. 

Bucky was almost asleep when he heard Steve's voice, "Bucky?"

"Mm, what darlin'?" He replied sleepily.

"I've never seen you get that way on a mission before, are you sure everything was okay? There's nothing I need to worry about?"

Anxiety coiled in his stomach and made his chest tighten. He hoped he hadn't physically tensed or he'd be caught the second he tried to lie. "Probably just the memories, being back at those bases stirring bad things up. It's fine, I promise."

Steve wore an unsure expression on his face, a frown tugging the corners of his lips down. Despite the worried look, he responded with, "Okay," and a nod of his head.

"I love you, Stevie."

"I love you too, Buck," he sighed. "So damn much."

They both drifted off into nightmare infested slumbers.

 

The second time was a Saturday morning, Steve had dragged Bucky out of bed with him to go for a run and they returned to their floor to have coffee and relax. After all, that's what weekends are for, sipping coffee with your boyfriend and lounging on the couch reading books and watching previously mentioned boyfriend draw or paint. It was a beautiful routine as long as there were no alien invasions going on, then they had to skip the coffee and save it for another time. 

Bucky was grabbing mugs out of the cabinet when one fell and shattered on the ground beside him. The noise rang in his ears and he muffled an unexpected sob with his hand, staring down at the broken cup. He was completely still, the images of breaking car windows and buildings flooded his mind, blood covered his hands—both metal and flesh. Screams of people who didn't deserve to die but he killed anyways all because Hydra had him wrapped around its finger. He didn't do that anymore, he was free, he was safe. 

Steve was there in an instant, calling down the hallway before he even got to the kitchen, "Buck?"

The brunette couldn't answer.

"Oh, baby," Steve said as he entered the kitchen and saw the scene. He approached Bucky carefully, noting the hand clamped over his mouth and glossy eyes. He knew that far away look too well. "Can I touch you?"

Bucky could only shakily nod his head and cling to Steve once he was in reach. His hands frantically gripped the blond's shirt, shaking and shuddering while he tried to hold back his sobs. It didn't work too well, and he ended up soaking Steve's skin and tee shirt were his head was buried. 

"Shh," Steve cooed and he ran his hands through Bucky's silky, long, brown hair. That was always something that helped him calm down, and it was one of the reasons he refused to cut it. The length made it easier to be played with, and that was essential for him, especially if Steve was playing with it. Of course he didn't mind when Natasha or Wanda came by to braid it or put it into a bun, but Steve's fingers in his hair felt like home and he could melt right into the touch without a second thought. 

When Bucky had stopped crying twenty minutes later and his breathing evened out, the blond pulled away to look at his bloodshot eyes. They were still beautiful even when he was a bit of a mess like this, vibrant and blue with just the right amount of grey to mellow it out. He asked in the gentlest voice he could manage, "What happened, sweetheart?"

For a moment, he thought the brunette would break down again, but he sucked in a shaky breath and told him, "The cup - it fell and it scared me and I thought you'd be mad." He wasn't lying, it just wasn't the full truth. 

" _Bucky,_ you know I wouldn't get mad at you for something like that, it's okay," the blond reassured and kissed his cheeks were tears had fallen. The action was incredibly loving and it made Bucky's heart swell. He felt wanted - _needed._

"Let me clean it - "

"No," Steve cut him off abruptly. "You don't need to do anything, I can take care of it, I'll get another mug and start the coffee pot and we can watch a movie or something, okay?"

The other man nodded, knowing better than to argue with his boyfriend when he was in this state of mind, he'd definitely lose. Instead, he made his way to the couch, flopping down on the cushions with a blanket, pulling it tight around himself. He was nestled in the corner of the couch with his knees pulled up to his chest, chin resting on top of them. The only sound was the soft scrapping of ceramics against the tile in the kitchen as Steve swept it up. That noise was distant, soft, _quiet_. He needed the silence right now, and he closed his eyes to focus on his breathing and releasing the tension in his body to relish in the bliss of the moment. 

He had almost fallen back asleep when he felt the couch dip next to him and he moved out of his corner and closer to the weight subconsciously. His eyes cracked open and he gazed over at Steve, who was sipping his cup of coffee and reaching for the remote to turn on Netflix. A movie would have sounded nice, especially since it was overcast that day and rain was predicted to roll in around ten or so, but it was more _noise_. He stopped Steve mid reach, his flesh hand coming to rest on the blond's arm.

"Not today... please," he pleaded softly, eyes too full of emotion to convince _anyone_ nothing was wrong. Especially Steve.

"Okay, that's fine, no TV today. Is there anything you would like to do or like me to do for you?" The blond asked, he must have caught on to how broken Bucky was feeling because his voice was far from demanding or loud. 

The brunette simply moved closer to lay down in Steve's lap, using his legs as a pillow, the blanket still pulled tightly around his bulky frame. He just wanted this, to lay down and close his eyes and maybe go back to sleep. Sleep meant there was no noise, unless he had a dream or nightmare, but he had been doing good at warding those off for quite some time now. 

Steve reached down to absentmindedly twirl locks of Bucky's hair, and he set down his cup to exchange it for a book that was lying on the coffee table. He flipped to his bookmarked page and looked down to his boyfriend, "Can I read to you?"

That was another thing that helped him to calm down, being read to. It also helped both him and the other one hundred-year-old man who still hadn't caught up on most of the books and movies from the decades they missed, to catch up on it all together. Kill two birds with one stone.

He nodded his head and added, "Quietly."

Then, Steve was reading with the gentlest voice Bucky had ever heard him use and he was drifting off to sleep.

 

It was a month later when Steve was finally done with believing the lies that came out of Bucky's mouth, he was concerned and he just wanted to help his boyfriend be happy. He couldn't take anymore of the "I'm fine" bullshit because it was so painfully obvious from day one that he wasn't fine, there was something going on that he was refusing to talk about, even with numerous attempts at trying to coax it out of him with subtle hints. 

He had gone to find Bucky one rainy morning to talk to him about the situation, but the brunette was nowhere to be found. He was in none of the rooms on their floor, he checked in all the closets and cabinets too (Bucky had a tendency to restrict himself on his bad days, mostly because he felt like a wild animal that needed to be locked away. That's how Hydra treated him, it was instinct now, if nobody was going to lock him away he would do it himself). Steve was beginning to worry as he started to check around the other floors of the tower. 

First stop was the weight room, sometimes he could be found there sparring with Natasha or Sam. However, only Natasha was in the room today. Once she was aware of his presence, she gave him a friendly nod.

"Come to join me? I'm a little lonely without Barnes," she teased lightly. 

"No, actually I was just looking for him-"

"Hold on," she cut him off abruptly. "You're telling me you lost your boyfriend?"

Steve couldn't help the smile that tugged on the corners of his lips, "No I didn't _lose_ him, he's allowed to do what he wants without telling me. I don't watch over him all the time.

"I just woke up to an empty bed at nearly six, which is weird because Buck hates mornings, and I looked for him around the floor but I found nothing. Checked in all the rooms, closets, and cabinets, searched for any note he might have left behind, I couldn't find anything, I was hoping he'd be with you down here." 

The redhead nodded intently as Steve spoke, it wasn't like Bucky to disappear like this. When he did, it was to places he normally went to, but since he wasn't in those places, she was starting to worry herself. She shrugged quizzically, "You could ask Sam or Clint, Stark might know something."

"That's what I was planning to do next," he turned in his heels defeatedly, about to walk out when Natasha spoke suddenly.

"What about JARVIS?"

Steve turned back to her.

"He might be able to give a location if he's here, or roll some security footage," it wasn't a bad suggestion, and it was probably the best out of their options. 

He nodded and tilted his head slightly up to the ceiling, though JARVIS didn't even have a physical form, it felt more natural. His voice was raised slightly as he asked, "JARVIS?"

"Yes, Captain Rogers?"

"Do you have any idea where Bucky is?"

There was a second of silence before the mechanical voice came again, "Sergeant Barnes is in the lab, accompanied by Doctor Banner."

Natasha looked to him with a look that said _I told you so_ while Steve furrowed his brow.

"I don't think Bucky and Bruce have ever had a proper interaction before, maybe their working on his arm," the gears continued to turn in his head as he finished with, "thank you, JARVIS."

"My pleasure."

He was out the door in a matter of seconds, the panicked feeling he had felt earlier had gone away at the confirmation of his lover's location. Still, he wanted to check in on him, and maybe talk about what had been bothering him so much. Or maybe that conversation would come a different day, but it would be nice to see Bucky at least once before bed. 

As he reached the lab, his fingers resting on the handle to open the door, a voice came from around him, "I would advise leaving them alone, Captain Rogers."

Steve was about to ask why, but when he looked through the window in the door, all questions left him. Bruce was standing in front of Bucky - who was perched on a table, swinging his legs absentmindedly - talking about something very calmly. The ex-assassin appeared to have tear stains on his cheeks, and he figured JARVIS was probably right, he should leave them alone.

"Can you give me a little insight on their conversation?" Steve asked sweetly, smirking when he heard the audio from the other room clearly in the hallway.

"I don't understand _why_ , Bruce, I shouldn't be hyperventilating at the sound of a plate breaking or silverware clattering but _I am_." Bucky sighed, obviously exhausted. "And Steve... he shouldn't have to put up with me like this, he deserves to be happy and I can't give him that."

The blond's mouth hung ajar while his heart was in pieces, if that didn't hurt he didn't know what would. He wanted to burst in and tell Buck how happy he makes him, but he figured it would be better the keep listening.

"Bucky, you _do_ make Steve happy. When he was first out of the ice and thrown into battle right away with us, he was so distressed. It was like he was upset people had found him and brought him back, like he _wanted_ to be _dead_. 

"When he found you, or rather you found him, it was like he had a purpose again. He devoted all of his time to try and find you and bring you home, and now you're here and he's happier than I've ever seen him," Bruce lifted his hand and gently clapped it on Bucky's shoulder. "You make him happy, and he hates to see you like this. If you let him help you, both of you will feel a hell of a lot better." 

_God bless Bruce Banner,_ Steve thought with a small smile. "You can stop now, JARVIS, I've heard enough." 

The audio disappeared and the hallway returned to it's silent state, leaving him alone in the silence. He began to saunter back to his floor, pondering some of the things Bruce had said. The first waking moments out of the ice had been devastating, he had been willing - no - _ready_ to die after he watched his best guy fall right out of his grasp. The heartache he felt was overwhelming, and living a life without Bucky was one he didn't want to live.

He remembered wishing they had left him under, but then everyone needed him and he didn't have a choice. So he put on his best Captain America face and suffered through it, fought the battles, trained with Stark's new technology, made new friends, but nothing could distract him from the grief of losing his best friend and boyfriend. 

After everything with the Winter Soldier had died down and they brought him back to the tower, Steve was overflowing with happiness. He was happy to take care of Bucky, through every panic attack and night terror, he was always there by his side. The fact that the brunette thought he was _burdening_ Steve and making him unhappy was heart wrenching. 

Now that Bruce had talked some sense into him, Steve hoped Bucky would open up about why he had been so out of it. They all had quite a few problems, whatever was bugging him couldn't be too bad, right?

 

Later that night, when they lay together in bed spooning - Steve taking the roll of the big spoon for the night - and the rain could still be heard hitting the window, Bucky spoke.

"I talked to Bruce today," he started, hesitant, as if he was a teenager talking to his parents about a boy he was interested in.

Steve hummed into the brunette's hair, he was sure the vibration of the sound could be felt by the other man as his back was flush with the blond's chest. "That where you were this morning?" 

There wasn't a verbal response just yet, only a nod and a few moments of deafening - _comforting_ silence. 

"Steve I need to talk to you about something." He stated suddenly while flipping around in his boyfriends arms to be face to face with him. Their eyes met, baby blue stared into grey, both waiting for the right words to come. Bucky sighed heavily, much like he had earlier in the lab. "I'm so _tired._ "

One of Steve's hands came up to rest on Bucky's cheek, his thumb gently moving along his smooth skin. "It's okay," he cooed. "Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."

"It was a bad day, I woke up from a nightmare and I knew it was a bad day, so I went to go to one of the cabinets but it wasn't working. I sat in there for an hour but I still felt terrible, so I asked JARVIS which room is the most soundproof, he said they all were if asked to be, but the lab was naturally one of the most soundproof rooms. So I went down to the lab and found a metal cabinet, it was cold and quiet and I sat in there for a while. Eventually I fell back asleep, but I had more nightmares and I woke up screaming. Bruce found me," he said, all a bit rushed as he struggled to get his words out.

_Bruce was getting ready to start another day of work, but he was stopped short when he heard a man's muffled yelling from somewhere in the room. It took him a few tries, but when he got the door open to one of the bottom cabinets, he found none other than Bucky Barnes curled in the tightest ball against himself. He was sobbing and shaking violently, and when he spoke, the brunette screamed._

_"James-"_

_"Shut up!" The voice echoed around him and it only seemed to make him more upset._

_Bruce wasn't sure what he should do, people didn't come to him like this a lot. Yet, here was an ex-assassin curled inside a cabinet, crying uncontrollably. He sat down on the floor in front of him, patiently waited for Bucky to calm down._

_"Bucky." Mumbled the man, still curled in on himself after he had stopped sobbing._

_Bruce furrowed his brow, looking at him quizzically, "What?"_

_"My name is Bucky. Don't call me James."_

_He nodded in agreement, "What are you doing in here then, Bucky?"_

_"Bad day."_

_Okay, so he wasn't much of a talker right now. Then again, Bruce had never talked to him that often anyways, maybe he was always like this._

_Just as he was about to ask another question, he was interrupted, "Feel like an animal sometimes, wanna lock myself up like_ they _used to."_

_"I know a thing or two about wanting to lock yourself up..."_

 

"He helped me talk through some things and I realized I'm hurting you without meaning to," Bucky still talking a little too fast, as if the words wouldn't come out if he slowed down.

"Bucky-"

"No, Stevie, I need to tell you this," he beseeched. "I'm sorry that I haven't been telling you about what's going on, after the mission and the cup and leaving you along this morning I feel terrible, I just want you to be happy."

Steve's expression was soft and inviting, "I am happy, Buck."

"But you have to deal with _me_. The mission a while back, I heard a loud noise and I started to panic and then I almost..." he shook his head. "The cup almost sent me into a full panic attack, I started having flashbacks and I couldn't move and everything was too _loud_."

"Baby, _baby,_ it's okay," Steve was pulling his boyfriend into his arms before he even had a second thought. When he felt Bucky's body start to shudder and the wetness on his neck, he knew he had made the right choice. "Being scared is okay, remember your PTSD? All those years of being around explosions and gunshots and loud noises, it's no wonder noises bother you."

He combed his fingers through his long hair, just holding and soothing Bucky like he'd done a thousand times before. He whispered words of praise while the brunette clung to him, thankful he had finally told him what was wrong.

Bucky was never the one to break down like this, it was usually Steve he was taking care of. Sure, he had his bad days but he didn't _sob_. He blamed it on the years of brainwashing and not feeling any emotion whatsoever.

It felt nice though, to be in someone's arms, to be in _Steve's_ arms. Bruce was right, it made him feel a hell of a lot better to talk about this and finally get it off his chest. 

Eventually, his sobbing died down to a sniffle, and Steve was still comforting him.

"Shh, deep breaths, you're _safe_ baby, I've got ya."

Bucky wasn't protesting.

Half an hour later when they were both drifting in and out of sleep, Steve barely registered Bucky's voice.

"Hm?" He sleepily asked.

"I love you, Steve," the brunette mumbled. "And thank you for letting me be small sometimes." 

Steve chuckled softly at that, "If I let you be big all the time, you'd never work through any of your problems. It's okay to feel like you need to be held for a change." 

"S'good that you can actually do that now, imagine if you were still 5'4 and a hundred pounds."

"Hey, I'd still comfort you the best I could, don't think that physical smallness is an excuse."

"Never said it was, loved you when you were tiny and I still love you now that you're big. I know you wouldn't let anything come between you and helping me, you're too stubborn."

"Bucky-"

"You know I love it."

Steve sighed, "I know you do."

Now it was Bucky's turn to laugh - a beautiful sight to Steve - and he tilted his head upwards. "Get down here and kiss me, doll."

"There's my Bucky," the blond said fondly while he leaned down to connect their lips. It was a gentle kiss full of passion, slow and sweet. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember the last time him and Bucky had joked around or kissed like this. It was good to have him back. 

"I love you too." He stated, pulling away from the brunette's lips.

"Too?" Asked Bucky.

"Earlier you said you loved me, I never said it back," he smiled and kissed the tip of his boyfriend's nose. "So I love you too, always will..."

"Don't say it," the brunette warned.

"Till the end of the line." Steve finished.

"You little punk,"

"Jerk."

And with that, the two started to fall into the most peaceful slumber they'd had in months. The cool temperature of the room combined with the moonlight emanating from the window created the perfect atmosphere, and Steve found himself drifting off rather quickly.

The last thing he heard before he was completely asleep was a hushed voice whisper, _"Till the end of the line, pal."_

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr at https://stuckshippingstucky.tumblr.com/
> 
> Send me some requests or head canons while you're there!


End file.
